Now we know that when pirates vs. vikings, pirates win.

Nailed it.

The Pope's hat's so big to hide the ceremonial rabbit ears.

Yep, sounds like something a normal person would want to get himself involved in.

The headline is missing a period right after "think".

The moon's been there for billions of years. We went there in the 60s because we felt threatened by an enemy.  The discovery of a new enemy is more likely to spark a race to another planet.

I'd be more concerned about the safety of the baby instead of the customers.  If she's carrying the baby while clearing tables and doing other work, the baby can be easily injured.

Someone else has identified it as a Ravine Trapdoor Spider.

It's not a new species, and it's not cut.  I've seen photos of this species before, but I can't remember the name and Google isn't helpful.